Sunday, August 21, 2011

When you're feeling alone....

Well hello again.  I apologize for taking so long to post an update, but life has gotten in the way and I have been extremely busy.  Between finishing up my school work, getting ready for my Army school, and spending time with Amarah there hasn’t been all that much free time to say the least.  All the while I have had my fair share of ups and downs personally.   This past summer has been one that I can honestly say was one of the best I can remember.  I got to see my brother Andy get married, spent some quality time with my daughter and family, and also dated an amazing girl for part of the summer.  Even though it didn’t work out for us, I was able to pull a lot of positive life lessons from it.

Back in April I met an amazing woman.  Over the course of a little more than two months I found that she possessed every one of the qualities that I am looking for in a woman, and none of the things that I am trying to steer clear of.  We shared some amazing time together and grew very close, very fast.  While I was on my way to our first date, I prayed to God and told Him that he was in control of this one.  No longer was I going to try and steer the ship, or as I put it, drive the truck on it.  I told God, if you want this to work out, great, if not, then it is your will, not mine.  After a few weeks, I found myself strongly believing (and I still do) that God brought the two of us together for a reason.  I told God, I don’t know if this is for right now or for forever, but either way He was in control.   Unfortunately, it was only for a short time that God brought us together, but an amazing time it most certainly was.  For the first time in my life I was able to be 100% me.   I didn’t have to try and be someone that I wasn’t and I didn’t have to try and hide any of myself (like being a complete dork) from her because she liked me for me.  That to me was totally and completely priceless.  For the first time in a very long time, if ever, I was content in my life and it was great.

When things went south and we decided to part ways it was very tough.  I went from spending a large amount of my free time with her, talking every day, and texting pretty much all day long to not seeing her, not talking to her and not communicating at all really.  It was as though a part of me was missing.  I suppose that is the downside to opening up and sharing yourself with someone.  You can’t ever really get that part of you back.  I can only relate it to how people who have had limbs amputated describe still having the phantom pains long after the body part has been separated from their body.   To make things more difficult I was very much alone for about a week and a half before I was able to go to Michigan to pick up my daughter and spend time with my family.   What I didn’t realize until earlier this week was the real problem that I was suffering from.

I didn’t realize until this week when I finally got closure from the relationship that I was angry and mad at God.  I was blaming Him for the failure of the relationship and felt like He had let me down.  I had forgotten the promise that I had made on my way to the first date.   I forgot that I had given him the control and that whatever happened it was his will, not mine.   All I could see was the gaping hole that was in my life when this wonderful woman was no longer there.  All I saw was the sadness from losing an important person in my life.   This past Monday I made the realization and admitted to myself that I will probably never see my friend again.  It is very difficult, no matter how hard you try, to stay friends and turn back the clock and go back to the way things were after breaking up with someone.   For the longest time there was a … and the end of that chapter in my life, but once I made that realization and let it settle in I was able to put a period at the end of the page.   As cliché as it may be, I woke up one morning and felt a peace come over me.  It had been four weeks since I had last seen her and I just woke up knowing that I wouldn’t ever see her, and I was oddly okay with it.   The reason why I am able to accept it is because I finally remembered that it was God’s plan!!   I remembered that if God could bring this amazing woman into my life and it not work out, then there must be someone even better out there for me.   That thought alone is enough to keep me with a smile on my face.  Lightening can strike twice, just ask the park ranger who had been struck 8 times. 

I’m not saying that I am happy that it didn’t work out and that I am without that special woman in my life.  Far from it.  I am still sad that it didn’t work and I miss having her in my life, who wouldn’t.  She is an amazing person and anyone who has her in their life is very very fortunately.  I just know that there is a silver lining to that dark cloud. 

It is important to me that she is happy.  If that means that I am a part of the happiness then great, if not, at least I know that she is happy.  I also know that there is happiness out there for me somewhere.  Could be with her someday (even though it’s not too likely), or it could be with someone else.  I may not know who it is, but I know who will bring us together and be the one to make it work.   GOD!!   God doesn’t always answer our prayers the way we want him to.   Sometimes God says yes, sometimes no, and sometimes not right now.   We don’t have to know why it is His answer, we just have to trust that there is a good reason for it because God doesn’t have bad reasons. 

In closing, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I am not alone on this Earth.  I may not have a girlfriend or a wife anymore, but I have someone that will not leave or will not end.   I have my beautiful daughter Amarah.  During the school year she lives with her Mom and on the weekend she is with me.  It doesn’t matter how bad a day or week I am having because I know that on Friday night I will get to pick her up.  It’s what I look forward to all week long from Sunday night when I drop her off to when I pick her up again. I am very thankful that I have this beautiful little bundle of joy that I get to have in my life.  Children truly are a Gift from God.   Even when she is not with me, I know that there is someone else who is always with me, watching over me and caring for me.  I have God in my life and know that no matter where I am, He is always with me.  If you have God in your life remember that next time you are feeling sad and lonely.  If you don’t have God in your life and would like to, then just let me know and I will help you how ever I can.    So long friends, until next time….
One last thing, check out the link on the upper left.  Great book written my my Dad.   Singing the Songs of the Broken Hearted:  Psalms that Comfort and Mend the Soul.    Awesome book from an awesome Dad (and a great author too).


  1. Thanks for sharing your heart Matt, you are an amazing guy and, I agree, God has someone special planned for you. And, about the book, it is awesome! JIll Vanderzel